I have exactly one week until I am done with this job; yet, it has become bitter-sweet again. I sent an email out to our department to let everyone know about my resignation and the timing of my last day. The email response was amazing, emotionally overwhelming (in a good way). However, it is making me quite sad knowing that, very soon, I will no longer be a part of the team. I can say that I loved what I did, I loved helping my team and the feeling of worth and pride it gave me.
I guess I could give more insight into the reason I am leaving. I alluded to this in the beginning, about not leaving a job but leaving a manager. I feel bad saying this because my manager is a good person, he has a caring heart. It took me a very long time to admit this next part, the realization that “HE IS A BAD MANAGER!” I had a very hard time admitting this. I had always liked my manager, as a person. It was so difficult for me to finally admit that he is not actually good at managing. In reality, he wasn’t very good at managing people, or project, or time. For a very long time, I could not help but feel like, if someone is a good person, then that would make them a good at leading people, a good manager. I always felt like it would be a personal attack if I admitted to myself that he was a bad manager, as if this admission would be a betrayal. I struggled with this for a very long time. It took some strength and self-reflection to finally come-to-terms with the fact that, regardless of his good nature, he was indeed a bad leader.
Upon this realization to myself, I decided I was going to work very hard to be the opposite type of manager. I would take the negative traits that I hated from all the managers I reported to over the years and try to be different. Encourage productivity while also being reasonable and caring. I genuinely believe that work could not be about the company, it had to be about the individual. You can’t have a company without people. If you hire the right people, and you treat them well, then your company will flourish. I wasn’t trying to be a “popular” manager, I was only trying to treat my team with sympathy/empathy and understanding, all the things I had wanted over the years.
Back to why I decided to leave. The workload was a challenge when I accepted the management position 6 1/2 years ago, but I was so grateful to be considered that I quickly overlooked this fact. Within two years; however, the pandemic hit. Covid-19 wasn’t just a global health crisis, this was also the downfall of the modern-day workforce. The onset of the pandemic not only initiated mass layoffs, but it caused a complete degradation to work ethic and mentality. Although I was fortunate to have kept my job through the pandemic, I watched entire departments within the company get completely gutted. There were only two reasons that I did not get cut: One, my experience and knowledge was significant; and Two, I was one of the lower paid people on my team. Yes….even though I took a manager position and had been at the company for 14 years at that point, I was paid less than people that reported to me. These facts did save my job, but it was a significant and defining career moment. You see, I was given the formal responsibility of 4 roles. FOUR DISTINCT ROLES!!!
As many had to do, I packed up my office and went home. I opened my computer and worked harder and longer than I ever had before. I did what I could. I worked through lunches and worked late. Going from a fairly active job around an office setting to a desk at home. It was a quite a drastic change. Our office was always bustling. I would regularly walk across campus to see my team or meet with someone. I would travel a lot and meet with customers. I was active. Once I was sent home, I stayed metaphorically chained to my desk. I was so busy, I barely had time to take a personal break before someone needed something. I spent a lot of time crying from the stress and strain of it. I didn’t sleep much. I turned to food and ate for comfort, gaining a significant amount of weight. I spent between 10 and 16 hours a day at my computer, rarely getting up until I logged-off for the evenings. Ultimately, this afforded me a painful journey through physical therapy. My muscles and back suffered from these new work conditions, I could not sit on the floor and play with my daughter as the pain was so immense. Eventually, I was able to heal my back and learn to keep the pain managed while continuing the grueling work demands.
After some time, I was allowed to hire one person to my team. She was supposed to join my group to help ease the burden I was already under. This is where the real issues started. Prior to her working for me, I had communicated to my manager that my greatest fear was that having an additional person would be viewed as an opportunity to add more responsibilities. I needed him to understand that I needed someone to help with the current workload, we can’t afford to take on anything additional. I mentioned this many times over the coming years, mostly as a reminder that my fear had come to fruition. Within months of adding my new team member, I would be given a 5th role, one that would overshadow all the others.
At every opportunity, I would communicate the excessive workload and that we cannot keep this going. I needed more help. The stress was unbearable. Just when I didn’t think I could handle much more, both my mom and my husband got severely sick. Two separate issues and events, but within 6 months of each other. I almost lost my husband, and eventually, my mom passed from cancer. For me, the only positive outcome from the pandemic was that the remote work did afford me to be able to move closer to my mom so I could care for her until the end.
The worry for my husband’s health and the grief of my mom’s passing finally sent me into a downward spiral. I buried myself in my work, but I was not happy. I spent the last couple of years in tears, just to relieve some stress, but I found myself crying every day. Not as much from grief, but from exhaustion.
Finally, it was MY health that started to suffer. Of course, my weight had increased significantly, but my blood pressure regularly stayed at dangerous levels. I had never had this issue until the last couple of years. It was at one of my husband’s doctor visits that his doctor asked if I would like to consider an anti-anxiety medication. In hindsight, I wonder how bad I must have looked (or acted) to have his doctor suggest this. At first, I definitely did not want to do this. I thought to myself, “I shouldn’t need medication to make it through my day, through this job.” It didn’t take me long to reconsider the doctor’s proposal. “Let’s just take the edge off,” explained the doctor. Ok, so let’s just take the edge off then.
It wasn’t long before I hardly teared-up at all. I will admit, it was night and day difference. I felt like I could survive each day and handle most things that came at me. Unfortunately, this didn’t last. More was added to my already overwhelming role at work, and I was drowning.
In all honesty, although the workload was ridiculous, it was the change in attitude of my manager that sealed the situation. You see, there is a lot I will take. I will deal with life, deal with work, do the best that I can, but my morale and confidence was suffering. I would continue to ask for help and was met with negativity. There were people that were our larger group, those that my team supported, that were not doing their job and we were asked to compensate. When I, or my team member, challenged my manager with this information, the response was commonly, “You can’t make people do what you want.” Hmmmmm, okay, well you are the manager of the entire department, you know there are people not doing their jobs. You have asked my team to compensate for them AND now you ask us to just deal with the fact that you are not going to address these employees. NO! Completely ludicrous. Let’s also add these to the comments, “Well, who else is going to do it?” Or the one that topped it all off for me, “You will just have to accept that this is the way things are going to be.” Yeah….verbatim. It was comments like this that pushed me to my decision to quit. I was degraded, exhausted, my morale and confidence were shot. So, here I am. One week from my last day and mulling over how I got here. I know it will be a good change, despite not knowing what is to come.
Now I come back to where I re-read through my post. It triggers thoughts as to whether I am sufficiently describing the situation. Do I just sound entitled and that I can’t handle the hard stuff? I know it is different when you live these situations, and you are working in burn-out mode for a very long time. Yes, it can sound whiney, it can sound crazy. I just know that I did my very best. I have to remind myself that my family had not seen me smile in a long time. My daughter would comment that I cry every day. It destroys me she sees me like this. She isn’t seeing her mommy happy, at all.
I know that what I lived through was real, I know that my feelings are justified. I try to remind myself that, if I was selfish or entitled, I wouldn’t have lasted 20 years. At least, I don’t think I would.