This final week before the last day on my job did not go as hoped, as planned. I guess I am not all that surprised, I should be used to my life cutting the rope just as I think I have a way to climb out of the pit. Turns out, it just throws you a shovel to keep digging…
You may notice more gloom in this post.
I had hoped to post yesterday, my actual last day at my job. Quite “par for the course” in my life, the universe seems to continue challenging my personal and emotional strength. At the beginning of the week, within minutes of speaking to HR for my exit interview, I received news that my dad needed to go to the emergency room (ER). This is a very unusual occurrence for him as he is incredibly healthy for his age (82 y.o.). I drove to the hospital, about 2 1/2 hours from where I live, to be with him. Ultimately, he has pneumonia and an infection. This is what is impacting him the most right now. Additionally, the doctors found a nodule in his lungs. I can’t help but feel some similarities the early doctor visits with my mom. After losing her last year to cancer, I am sensitive to the potential of losing another parent so soon. I know this will happen eventually; I am just not ready yet. I realize that I have no say in the matter, but I would really like to have some time before losing my dad or step-dad.
The ER released him later that night and I was able to take him home. I have stayed the rest of the week to watch over him and provide any errands that were needed. As he was attempting to heal, a family friend and employee of my step-mom was injured, falling and cutting her brow open. I rushed to get her to a free-standing ER nearby. After some cleaning and stitches, I returned to my dad.
Later in the week, we worked with my dad’s primary care doctor to make sure he had the proper course of prescriptions. I went over to the family-friend’s house to change her bandage, then back to my dad’s house.
Once I was able to get my dad’s prescriptions lined-out and they seem to be helping improve his overall symptoms and energy, I headed home. After 4 days looking after my dad, I was able to get home the evening of the last day on my job. It is always nice to come home to my husband and daughter. I prefer to never have to leave, but when it is family, there is no hesitation. Yet, to get to come home is always nice.
To my surprise, my husband and daughter had bought me a live plant (which I LOVE), some sweet treats and a very thoughtful, humorous gift from my husband. I received lots of warm hugs from my husband, reminding me how proud he is for the difficult decision to leave my career. He has been amazingly supportive throughout all of this, but to say he is “proud” of me, is just a different level of amazing.
Before actually getting to hug my husband and tell him how glad I was to be home, one of our dogs desperately needed to go outside. This is important because I didn’t want to interrupt our moment by having to clean up an accident in the house. However, while taking the dog out, I somehow managed to step (barefoot, mind you) in a pile of dog poop. <SIGH> What a great way to end my last day on my job, or actually start my next phase of life HAHAHA.
I wish I could say this was all that happened.
My anxiety got the best of me, and I couldn’t fall asleep last night. I was up until very late (past 1am). Once I was finally able to fall asleep, I had multiple, vivid nightmares. Honestly, night terrors would be more appropriate. According to my husband, I cried out in my sleep, yelling for him until I finally yelled so loud, I woke us all (dogs included). I haven’t had night terrors like this in years. I honestly don’t know why this happened. I genuinely thought my last day of work would feel so different. I believed I would have a sense of relief that it was over, the stress, the pressures, the unhappiness. Why am I having nightmares? Debilitating, anxiety-riddled nightmares…? I should be celebrating, be happy. The stress should be slipping from my shoulders; yet it feels heavier than ever. Partly because I do not have income and I have left my only job (career) for the last 20 years, but I have family that is sick and just basic tasks do not seem to go right. I do my best to accept or ignore these situations, often telling myself, “it is what it is” or “it is just a part of life,” but I guess I wasn’t truly convincing myself as my dreams seem to indicate that I am burdened.
So, come to today…the day after my last day at my job. I was tired when I woke up, but I had a nice morning on the couch, talking with my husband and drinking coffee. The morning was slow as I was struggling to find my motivation through my exhaustion. Around early afternoon, I let our dogs out. We live in the country, so this was no different than our normal activities. What I wasn’t anticipating is that this activity would go side-way, quickly. We had a truck/trailer drive down our road, and for an unknown reason, my female dog ran for it. I yelled for her, but it was too late. I didn’t get to see exactly what happened as she ran across the front of the house, and I could not see her by the time I cleared the back corner of the house. One of my male dogs ran down and was looking on the other side of our road. I feared the worst at this point. I started to run to where she was when I saw her walking up the gravel driveway. I was not expecting her to be able to walk, but she was panting severely and did not want me to touch her. She wanted to go inside. My husband just returned home from the grocery store. We took her to our bathroom and found she had some road-rash on her stomach and some scrapes and minor cuts. I doctored her the best I could. Since it is a Saturday, the veterinarian is not open, and the emergency vet is over an hour away. We watched her, medicated and doctored her wounds.
It was completely my fault. She had never done that, so I never expected her to do that. Her safety was my responsibility, and I let her down. She is calm, her breathing is normal, her wounds are clean. She finally wanted to take some food from me tonight. My heart breaks for her pain. I will spend the next few days caring for her.
I started this blog to talk about my anxiety and to help me “verbalize” my feelings while working through different situations, starting with quitting my job. It is helping, but the thing that has always weighed on me is the fact that I rarely get to celebrate the positives in life. Many people can say that it is a personal choice to focus on the negative over the positive, but when you already have anxiety issues and then major things happen, minor situations begin weighing heavier than they should.
I was hoping I could have written a different message yesterday or today. I expected to still worry about leaving my job, but the relief and promise of the future would outweigh this. Instead, my mind is a whirlwind of thoughts for my dad’s wellbeing, thinking about how long I have with him, whether I need to figure out how to bring in extra income sooner rather than later, worrying about my injured pet.
As I always do, I will get through this time, regardless of what happens with family, pets, home, etc. It is the part of life that has made me strong. I just pray that we can remove the worry for a while and have some calm, some happiness. We are long overdue for some positivity, mainly just situations in life that can distinctly outweigh the negativity. It has honestly been years since life has been “boring.” I pray for boring. Boring means that my family is healthy, and we can find long periods of serenity and happiness.
I will continue to post, as I try to find peace and positivity while working through the next few days and weeks.
We shall see how this all unfolds!