Two days have passed since submitting my resignation for my job. Up to now, I have spent this time riding a roller coaster of emotions. It is hard to fully describe the feelings. I guess I still felt an overwhelming sense of duty to complete projects and help my team before my last day. It was almost as if the pressure and stress actually increased since my resignation was accepted. I felt like there was now a hard deadline to complete specific tasks before my final departure. On top of the stress, I also felt unwanted. I don’t actually know what I was expecting when I told my boss that I was resigning, but it was definitely not in the realm of reactions I received. Over this time, I have come to realized that I had let my career define me. I let it give me my value and worth. This realization is where most of my anger stemmed. The fact that I gave my job so much of me, my energy, my time, traveling on weekends, missing activities for my child, being exhausted at the end of most days where I didn’t feel like making a home-cooked meal, let alone playing or interacting with my kiddo. I was warned not to do this by people that I respected. I kept thinking, “I won’t do this ALL the time” or “I will make it up to my family.” In reality, you don’t get that time back. So, in the end, what turns out to be a very short conversation about needing to leave the company, I should not have been surprised when I was met with disdain and coldness. Honestly, did I expect they would beg me to stay…. not really. I guess I wanted them to acknowledge how much I had done, how much I had sacrificed. Geez, how ignorant can I be? I am realizing that if they never acknowledged it while I was there, what in the world makes me think that they would acknowledge it when I am leaving. Either way, it still hurt, it still sparked anger in me. Yet, the anger was less at them and more at myself. I was angry that I gave them so much. I gave them my weekends. I gave them those special occasions where I missed family activities. I gave them myself.
Why, why did I do this? Why am I like this? I guess it is mostly because my dad instilled a hard work ethic, a concept that if you are loyal and dedicated to a company, then they will take care of you. Well, there may have been a time where that was true, but I feel like this is ALMOST non-existent now-a-days. That was sure not the company I am leaving. Actually, 20 years ago, when I started with the company, it was very different. We felt like a family. It just seemed better. I suppose I look back with rose-colored glasses. I mean, of course there were problems, but the problems seemed miniscule to now. The people in the company seemed to care about each other more, the company seemed to genuinely reward people for being loyal and dedicated. It is truly not the case now. I had a colleague tell me, “We are just a number, when they decide your number is up, that is it. You can’t give them more than they are willing to give you in return.” I will admit, I did agree with her, but I didn’t really want to believe it. I wanted to believe that the people make-up the company and it is only as good and caring as those that you work with and for. Unfortunately, I learned that even the best people can be tainted by a toxic work culture.
On to today, Day 3. I am feeling much better. The weight and stress are lifting from my shoulders. I did realize that the stress I was feeling over the past couple of days was self-induced. What was going to happen if I didn’t finish the tasks that I wanted to complete? I would be gone. It wouldn’t really matter.
Am I saving my integrity? Will it show them my value or worth?
The reality is that no matter how much I work or how much I do/don’t get done in the next week, it won’t change the apathy that they are showing me. So why should I care?
No… No… No… I can’t leave things undone for my colleagues. I love them, I love my team and I genuinely want to help them until my last day. I will keep working on tasks and do what I can. I think the stress is dissipating. I can only hope that the next week will go smoothly, and I can part ways quietly.